… and I still miss him terribly.
I knew going into the academy would mean a lot of sacrifice and time, but I didn’t realize how, at times, it would take such a toll emotionally on me.
First, I wasn’t able to spend the day to myself, as I had planned. I had been up for over 27 hours already (worked an event, and then my clinical rotation), and had to deal with an emergency involving my staff and an event they were working. That kept me from sleeping for another 8 hours.
Second, I got off my clinical rotation after a rough code blue call in which the patient didn’t make it (He had been expected to survive and was improving when he suddenly coded up in the ICU).
And finally, it dawned on me that my first patient on my first ER clinical rotation was sticking in my head a little too much… why? He was almost the clone of Rory… 40′s something male, overweight, beard, diabetic, renal failure, multiple amputations… you get the picture. He did ok with us, but his overall prognosis was poor. Brought back more than a few memories that I would rather not revisit. I knew it would happen again (that I would encounter a similar patient) when I started my clinicals, but I didn’t expect it so suddenly.
By the time I got home that afternoon, I was really not in a good mood, felt like crud, and was seriously sleep deprived to the point that I walked like a drunk and damn near face-planted onto my front porch. I really haven’t had the time to do what I normally do each year… drink a toast to him, play our music, and just think and cry…
I realize that I would not be where I am now if he was still here, but yeah, I still miss him that much.