
Happiness - By Willow Tree
As many of you know, I was widowed 6 years ago, when my husband passed away from complications of renal failure and overt septic shock. Since then, I have grown in ways I never thought I would. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Biology (Microbiology), began work as a scientist full-time, and I began to work in EMS more and more. Starting with DMAT and the Sacramento Rivercats (both of which I am a part of to this day), and working for and eventually becoming a business partner with First On Scene EMS, a BLS event medical company.
Having really never lived “on my own” for long, initially, I had family with me: my two wonderful children and my brother. Eventually, each of them moved away. My son (and his wife) came back for a short time; my daughter (and my grandson) a little longer. Although on my own for times, even now I share my residence with a roommate, a good friend. But essentially, I am on my own, as my roommate’s schedule and mine mean we basically share the same home, passing each other periodically (He works primarily in the evenings, while I work during the day, and occasionally at night).
Over the years, I dealt with the death of my husband in different ways. I assisted a family in the grieving process of their loved one (who was a hospice patient) passing away on my watch while I was on a deployment. This occurred approximately 6 weeks after Rory died. I’ve had friends lose family members, spouses, and ex-spouses during the last several years, one very traumatically by suicide. And… I dealt with one particular evening in a way that is really not normally in my being.
Last year, on what would have been my 25th anniversary, I opened a new bottle of a liqueur that Rory and I used to share together. What was intended to be a toast to what we had became me drinking the entire 750 mL bottle, my roommate finding me VERY DRUNK, and very emotional. I missed Rory terribly, and I released that sorrow that night through the ultimate uninhibitor, alcohol. Ironically, the next morning, I wasn’t hung over after all of that. And I had a new perspective, although I didn’t see it clearly at the time. In finally spilling out emotion I had been denying myself, I literally awoke in a new light.
I really do see it now.
Over the last several months, I began to give myself permission to be happy again. Something I had not realized that I had denied myself. Yes, I was doing what I wanted to do, but I really didn’t DO THINGS on a whim. Things were always planned. Especially in the last few months, I began to do things for fun very spontaneously. I’d go bike wherever I wanted, I’d take a small day trip somewhere. I took a few weekends off from working, and not do anything work-related those days. Or I’d finish a shift out of town… and stay out of town for a while, walking in Monterey… enjoying the cliffs of Sonoma County… sitting on a beach in Capitola. Yes, there were the planned things also. I went to Salt Lake City to see my daughter and grandson, and to celebrate his 4th birthday. He and I have a special bond. I’m his “Nana Nay”. He remembers the ambulance I have. He remembers some of the time he and his mom lived with me. I very much remember it, and always will cherish those times. My kids have seen the change in me, with my son mentioning today that he liked that I was enjoying life again. He’s right. I am!
Today marks a new day, just as everyday in my past has been. A new day in the rest of my life to be happy.
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